Emotional Rollercoaster

There's some things people just don't tell you about and maybe if they did you can't really understand until you experience them. I spent so many of my single years crying over the fact I wasn't married and didn't have my own family. Being single, it was easy for me to fantasize about married life admiring all my married friends.

Friends to tell your single friends the good, bad, and the ugly. I love my husband and my kids. Enough rambling! This is all bubbling out because my son started preschool. I can't tell you it's been just as traumatizing for me as it has for him. It's been a rocky road. He's going 5 half days. We have been talking about school for months, no longer. Every time we would pass the school where he is attending, I would point it out and say that's your school. He seemed excited to go to school as well. If we passed any school, he would comment that was his school and he would get super excited to see the kids playing.

There was a clue as we approached the first day, it wasn't going to be all that easy. He received a letter from his teacher and he didn't want anything to do with it. I thought, "Oh no." The first day which was only a half an hour meet your teacher was fine because we all went together. He wasn't super excited but it was doable. He does love his uniform and I can tell he thinks he looks handsome which he does.

Now his first full day which ends at 12:30 was difficult to say the least. He did not want to get dressed and really was obstinate. Finally he was dressed and we all took him. He didn't cry but I could tell he was holding back the tears. The first day was Friday so on Monday he even pushed harder and stronger and was determined to stay home. I know it's such a small issue but when it's your child it seems like such a big deal. Tuesday we had more of the same and today too. We also found out he cried Monday and Tuesday. I was ready to pull him but his dad said give him time. I'm not quite sure how his today went but his teacher gave me a thumbs up when I picked him up, so hopefully he had a good day. I'll find out tomorrow.

Like I mentioned these things are so minor but when it's your child, your heart strings really do get pulled. Stay tuned for more about the happenings of preschool.

Housing Search

My Sweetie and I have been searching for a home to call our own for awhile. I'm actually embarrassed to say how long. My husband has his mind made up that he wants to live in a certain area which is out of our price range, but as time is passing, he's expanding his horizon to living in different areas. This reminded me of God's will in our lives. A side note, the idea of God's will for my life has always seemed so overwhelming but I had a thought all God's will is- is his gracious love for me. This has put things in perspective because I always saw God's will as something negative.

I know I can hold onto a dream or a want so tightly that I forget to keep my hands open to receive God's gracious love.

I know we'll eventually be in a home. This past week I found a Spanish style home that I absolutely loved. (Spanish and craftsman are my favorite type of homes) I was so excited. My mom loved it too.

When Tony went to see it, he pointed out all the things that were flawed with the home. Very practical things that I did not have the eye to see.

Initially, I was disappointed but the more I thought about it, he is absolutely correct. The timing wouldn't be that great considering we have a new baby coming in about 1 month. So, I will continue to keep my hands and heart open to God's gracious love for me and my family.

Marriage Made in Heaven

Today I was thinking about my husband... Before we were even engaged, my husband wanted to help me accomplish one of my goals to write a children's book. I think that's one beautiful quality for a future spouse-to want to help your spouse accomplish each his/her goals.

The Good Guy Wins

Yesterday I saw Crossing Delancy, a movie, that every dating woman should see. For once the good guy wins the girl. This movies does a great job at portraying how the Rico Suave pulls on the girl's heart strings while the sweet guy waits in the shadows. Of course, the girl swoons and is blinded by the debonair guy while she is repulsed by the average guy because he sells pickles. You see the disgust in her face as he dips his hands in a barrel of pickles. Slowly the scales fall from the girl's eyes and she sees the virtue that the good guy possesses.

It reminded me how many tears I shed over that guy who I thought I could change and how many good guys I let go of because I wasn't attracted to them.

Thank goodness God opened my eyes and heart because I married the sweetest and most loving man. He's the good guy and thankfully I had eyes to see! I love him!

The Eyes of the Father

I don't want to be presumptuous thinking I know what it looks like through the eyes of God, but as of late, I can't help but think what a bad wrap I've given God the Father. Through different experiences I've encountered the love of Jesus and the Holy Spirit. However, I've always been afraid of the Father and have kept Him at an arm's length.

Having a child, I have had an opportunity to think about the Father's love. My son is the apple of my eye. The simple things that he does bring me so much joy. The first time my son babbled, smiled, sat up, crawled, said his first word, and took his first step was a deep joy that you would have thought he won the Nobel Peace Prize.

I know it says in scripture that we are the apple of God's eye, so just like my son brings me so much joy, the Father must have that same joy for us when we love Him and live our life according to His commands.

A different thought, even when we chose to disobey God, he doesn't find joy in our choices but he still loves us with an unconditional love. This is bewildering.

I never would have thought my son would have caused me the reflect the Father's love. Another gift of motherhood.

Motherhood

Motherhood is a gift whether it be a spiritual motherhood or a physical motherhood. I was a spiritual mother long before I was a physical mother. I'll write about spiritual motherhood another time.

This is a side note, I struggle with black and white/ all or nothing thinking. What makes it more challenging is I believe it comes from God. Without God's grace I can be scrupulous. Hence, decision making is tough for me even with simple things.

All that to say, on the feast of The Epiphany of the Lord, we chose to find out the gender of our baby. I wondered in the back of my mind whether it was ok with God and if we were doing something wrong by not waiting. Thankfully, with lots of counsel and healing, I've come to recognize when my thinking is faulty.

I can't express the joy that I experienced when I found out our little baby is a girl. With my son, it was different.

36 hours of labor, finally ending in a c-section, I was physically and emotionally exhausted. When our baby was born, the doctor asked my husband to announce the gender. Then, only to have our baby whisked away. To add to that, I was placed in a cold room and waited for a cardiologist because I was having heart problems. Needless to say, it would be a couple of hours before I would see my sweet boy. I was devastated because I had the expectation of having my son placed on my chest and was told we would bond and my son would make his way to my breast and would soon breast-feed on his own. In my mind, my hopes of bonding with my son was forever lost. Wrong! My son can't leave my side.

I'm learning to let go and let God. My thoughts can be crazy but I need to put on the mind of Christ and continue to recognize when my thinking is faulty. I'm so thankful to be a mother.

St. Joseph

I find myself thinking about St. Joseph often. I'm not sure why, but I have always had a devotion to him ever since I can remember. I pray his prayer everyday, "Oh St. Joseph whose protection is so great and prompt before the throne of God......"

I admire this saint because he trusted God even if he didn't understand God's plan, and he was always obedient to the Holy Spirit. I prayed to him everyday for my spouse and believe with my whole heart that he answered my prayer. I have such a gem of a husband.

This Advent season is the perfect time to reflect on St. Joseph holding baby Christ in his arms and I can pray daily that St, Joseph would kiss the baby Christ's head for me and ask the baby Christ to return the kiss when I draw my dying breath.

St. Joseph, pray for us!