Motherhood

Motherhood is a gift whether it be a spiritual motherhood or a physical motherhood. I was a spiritual mother long before I was a physical mother. I'll write about spiritual motherhood another time.

This is a side note, I struggle with black and white/ all or nothing thinking. What makes it more challenging is I believe it comes from God. Without God's grace I can be scrupulous. Hence, decision making is tough for me even with simple things.

All that to say, on the feast of The Epiphany of the Lord, we chose to find out the gender of our baby. I wondered in the back of my mind whether it was ok with God and if we were doing something wrong by not waiting. Thankfully, with lots of counsel and healing, I've come to recognize when my thinking is faulty.

I can't express the joy that I experienced when I found out our little baby is a girl. With my son, it was different.

36 hours of labor, finally ending in a c-section, I was physically and emotionally exhausted. When our baby was born, the doctor asked my husband to announce the gender. Then, only to have our baby whisked away. To add to that, I was placed in a cold room and waited for a cardiologist because I was having heart problems. Needless to say, it would be a couple of hours before I would see my sweet boy. I was devastated because I had the expectation of having my son placed on my chest and was told we would bond and my son would make his way to my breast and would soon breast-feed on his own. In my mind, my hopes of bonding with my son was forever lost. Wrong! My son can't leave my side.

I'm learning to let go and let God. My thoughts can be crazy but I need to put on the mind of Christ and continue to recognize when my thinking is faulty. I'm so thankful to be a mother.